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24 March 2013 @ 12:45 pm
three years.  
lost mike three years ago today.

the truth is, you don't think about it much on a day-to-day basis. you can't, really -- you'd never be able to keep moving if you dwelled on it. and then it hits you, out of nowhere. usually there's a trigger, something minor, something seemingly benign that suddenly creates a daisy chain of memories that ends with the worst one.

that's how it usually happens during the rest of the year. it's infrequent, but it's unpleasant.

but a day like this? you can see it coming. you know what to expect. so you brace for it. you try to forget about it, even.

if you're like me, you try to resist getting sucked into the melodramatic vortex that inevitably happens when people try to mark the occasion by publicly mourning. it's helpful to mourn; don't get me wrong. but the emotional outreach over social networks, like desperate grasping, seems less productive. it feels like an annual reconstruction of the receiving line at the funeral. so i try to avoid it.

the acute loss i actually experienced always felt more personal, private. i think it's a sibling thing. you lose a part of the whole, at least as you know it.

it can be surprising how much you still hurt, though. i like to think that i'm on pretty stable footing, and i am. celebrations? memorials? photos, even? i can handle that. but i can't watch video without welling up. there's something about a moving picture that makes his absence terribly real.

and that's when the loss sets in.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: beyoncé - halo
Carolyn: wowkamikazegoat on March 27th, 2013 08:31 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, Andrew. I just can't even imagine. I don't have any wisdom or advice to offer, just know that I'm sorry and you are in my thoughts.